Our intentional community is transitioning from a group of four to a group of three. The events leading up to this and the transition have not been clean and easy- instead I have found them to be painful and hard. One element I have been focused on during of this series of events following Brooke leaving is vulnerability.
Being myself while being willing to take a courageous and enthusiastic leap into the unknown without worrying is one of my favorite ways to operate in life because I am able to learn a great deal through hands on experience. Doing the YAV program I subjected myself, and am still subjecting myself, to a great deal of vulnerability by moving to a new place and living with strangers. When making the choice to do this program I made an intentional commitment to myself that I would be brave enough to embrace the vulnerability and to be open to experiences leading to change. Additionally, there comes a great deal of vulnerability when cultivating new relationships. Our intentional community consisted of four members all forming new relationships, and with each community member I opened my heart and cared a whole lot. Now that we are a community of three, and in the aftermath of these circumstances, I am realizing the vulnerability has led to quite a bit of pain.
As I have discovered in the past, it is when bad or stressful things happen that you truly find out who really cares about you and where you will find comfort, relief, and a sense of grounding. There is a certain amount of vulnerability that comes with the healing process and admitting when I am feeling upset and exhausted. I think it is an important reminder that feeling vulnerable in the way I am looking at it does not mean feeling weak, instead it acknowledges experiences, embraces them, and allows for growth. I want to lift up the support I have received in regards to this difficult time. Ultimately I think time will help me heal and I believe this was the best decision for everyone’s well being. The ways I have found to deal with the grief process vary day to day. Self compassion and who I spend my time with has become more important than ever. Also, realizing that life will go on and there are many new adventures to be had.
I will miss some aspects of our past community life. However, I know dwelling in the past won’t be beneficial. It is too soon to know what valuable life lessons I will be able to look back and realize I have learned from this situation and the past few months. Every day things seem a little easier and I feel slightly more at ease with the whole situation. However I will admit I am still wallowing in the pain, sadness, frustration, exhaustion and sometimes anger of the situation. Despite the pain, moving forward I am choosing to remain vulnerable to new experiences, to keep showing up full on knowing I have no control over more potentially painful situations, and to keep forming new relationships. I will continue to open my heart and to care a whole lot, while enthusiastically embracing new challenges and experiences because so far doing just that has made me a stronger, more compassionate, and joyful individual.